Dear God 6/14/14

puzzle-treeToday I a struggling with me, I do not know if I am coming or going. My mind see’s a million parts of me that needs to be fixed and I don’t know where to start. I feel so self conscious about everything. My short comings always seem to come to the surface. I feel as if everyone can see through me, I feel as if they can see all my flaws. I know that they can’t but I feel like I’m a walking contradiction. There are times that I feel like a fraud, like everything I stand for is fake. Yes, I am faking it until I make it, but somehow that doesn’t always seem right to fake it.  It seems self defeating at times, sometimes seeing one’s shortcomings are the best way to grow. I am in a position where either I fake it or make it. Faking it make me feel like I live in a see though house and not doing it is not an option. With this puzzle growing daily in my mind, I am seeking guidance from God for purpose.  I am seeking peace and I am seeking wisdom on this journey. God, I ask that you continue to hold my hand as I walk in these cloudy places. During this journey, different parts of me are being revealed. Like the facet of a diamond are revealed in different light settings. I am being exposed daily with trials of life. The light exposes all the dark places and makes me shine even brighter. This is not an easy walk, but it is doable. Am I ready, as always the answer is no. But, I am willing, lets go.©

Is there anyone who relates to this? Holla at me.

Empress

Dear God.. 2/21/15

strength_motivational_quoteThis week has been a challenge, I have been stretched more than I am comfortable with. There seems to be a building up and a tearing down in the same instance. I have overcome in one instance and still learning in another instance. I feel like I’m being pulled in two directions. I sometimes wonder where is this road taking me. It’s all in the masters hands. God give me the wisdom to move in the direction you would have me move. Allow love to flow through me and penetrate into others. I am a vessel to be used for your glory. ©

Missing what i never had..

daughterI miss this man, who I never really knew but i knew him all the same. He was a kind and gentle man, we shared the same DNA. He was the best guy ever in my mind, I called him Pop. He was my dad, Steven Finney. We where twins from different decades. He was born 12/12, I was born 11/11. He died in 2002, twelve years ago. I realized that I never mourned his death. There were times that I cried, but I never really allowed the feelings to really push though to the surface. I never really wanted any of my feelings to show. I wanted to keep them locked in the closet of my life, I was hoping I would never have to acknowledge these feelings. Yet, here they are 12 years later, full force around the holiday season. I guess it all started when I felt as if my mother didn’t want me. I felt as if she never wanted me, she never acts like she does.

I’m sure my mother has her own demons, that I know nothing about. However, the hurt that I feel is real; only God can heal the wounds of the soul. What she does not understand, is that her unemotional ways hurt. They hurt because, she has no idea how I feel and she never asks. I try to talk about it and she makes blanket statement about my feelings. Yeah, so I guess I have to figure this out for myself.

Back to my dad, he died, and he never even allowed me to say goodbye. He decided that he would hide from me until his death. I found out with a postcard on my front door informing me of his death. I mean yes, he went missing for months at a time, but now he was dead, and I only knew him for a few months. But, I do feel like I knew him more than I know my mother who is alive. That makes me really sad, I really wish he had not taken his last moments from me. He was all I had, and he didn’t even know it.

I remember being at his funeral, and thinking “dad you didn’t have to do it this way.” I was so hurt at the time, and apparently, I still am. I wish I would have gotten some of his ashes, he was cremated. I was young and didn’t know how important it was to have a memory of my father. Now, I wish I would have purchased a piece of him.

Being young, and without wise counsel, you have no idea the damage can do to yourself. Being lost, and afraid to reach out for help is a shame. Most people are better in the abstract, my life lesson. ©