Missing what i never had..

daughterI miss this man, who I never really knew but i knew him all the same. He was a kind and gentle man, we shared the same DNA. He was the best guy ever in my mind, I called him Pop. He was my dad, Steven Finney. We where twins from different decades. He was born 12/12, I was born 11/11. He died in 2002, twelve years ago. I realized that I never mourned his death. There were times that I cried, but I never really allowed the feelings to really push though to the surface. I never really wanted any of my feelings to show. I wanted to keep them locked in the closet of my life, I was hoping I would never have to acknowledge these feelings. Yet, here they are 12 years later, full force around the holiday season. I guess it all started when I felt as if my mother didn’t want me. I felt as if she never wanted me, she never acts like she does.

I’m sure my mother has her own demons, that I know nothing about. However, the hurt that I feel is real; only God can heal the wounds of the soul. What she does not understand, is that her unemotional ways hurt. They hurt because, she has no idea how I feel and she never asks. I try to talk about it and she makes blanket statement about my feelings. Yeah, so I guess I have to figure this out for myself.

Back to my dad, he died, and he never even allowed me to say goodbye. He decided that he would hide from me until his death. I found out with a postcard on my front door informing me of his death. I mean yes, he went missing for months at a time, but now he was dead, and I only knew him for a few months. But, I do feel like I knew him more than I know my mother who is alive. That makes me really sad, I really wish he had not taken his last moments from me. He was all I had, and he didn’t even know it.

I remember being at his funeral, and thinking “dad you didn’t have to do it this way.” I was so hurt at the time, and apparently, I still am. I wish I would have gotten some of his ashes, he was cremated. I was young and didn’t know how important it was to have a memory of my father. Now, I wish I would have purchased a piece of him.

Being young, and without wise counsel, you have no idea the damage can do to yourself. Being lost, and afraid to reach out for help is a shame. Most people are better in the abstract, my life lesson. ©

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Abusive Men: Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man

men love and protectAbusive men are often survivors of abuse themselves. Signs of an abusive man can range from emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. Frequently an emotionally abusive man is also a verbally abusive man or a combination of all abuse types. A sign of an abusive man can usually be found after a few dates if you pay attention, ask a lot of questions and do some investigating into his past.

Abusive relationships are characterized by control games, violence, jealousy and withholding sex and emotional contact. An emotionally abusive man is harder to pin-point and a skilled, abusive man can easily make you think you aren’t good enough or that everything is your fault. According to an on-going abuse poll conducted by http://www.WomanSavers.com, http://www.womansavers.com/p_pollresults.asp?pID=5 of over 7,000 women over 56 percent had been sexually abused. It is just as difficult to recover from emotional abuse as it is from physical abuse. Emotional abuse causes low self-esteem and depression. An abusive man may tell you he loves you or that he will change, so you won’t leave. However, the more times you take him back, the more control he will gain. Empty promises become the norm. Make sure you pay attention to his actions and not merely his words. As the old saying goes, “actions speak louder than words.” Abusive relationships are never abusive in the beginning. If they were, women would dump the abusive men immediately in search of a good man.

According to the American Psychological Association Force on Violence and Family, over 4 million American women experience a serious assault by a partner each year! Who can forget when heavy-weight champ Mike Tyson was convicted of raping Desiree Washington and sentenced to six years in prison. Tyson served three years before being released on parole. Thereafter, he married Robin Givens but they divorced on Valentine’s Day only a year later because Givens claimed Tyson abused her. Abusive behavior touches all ranges of society.

We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.

1. Jealousy & Possessiveness – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
2. Control – He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.
3. Superiority – He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.
4. Manipulates – Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable.
5. Mood Swings – His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.
6. Actions don’t match words – He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.
7. Punishes you – An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.
8. Unwilling to seek help – An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.
9. Disrespects women – Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.
10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself – Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.

If you continue to stay in an abusive relationship because you think he will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive man does not change without long-term therapy. Group counseling sessions are particularly helpful in helping abusive men recognize their abusive patterns. Type A personality types seem to be more prone to abusive behavior due to their aggressive nature. Drugs and alcohol can create or further escalate an abusive relationship. Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are excellent programs for an addict. The abuser’s partner should also seek help for their codependent behavior at Codependents Anonymous.

If the abusive man is not willing to seek help, then you must take action by protecting yourself and any children involved by leaving. By staying in an abusive relationship you are condoning it. If you are scared you won’t be able to survive because of finances, pick up the phone book and start calling shelters. Try calling family, friends and associates and ask them if they can help or know of ways to help. Once you leave, the abuser may cry and beg for forgiveness but don’t go back until you have spoken to his counselor and he has completed long-term therapy successfully. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave because the abuser has lost control. The Bureau of Justice Statistics states that on the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day so please be careful. If you partner is not willing to seek help for his abusive behavior, your only option is to leave.

© Stephany Alexander, Online Dating & Infidelity Expert. All rights reserved.

The wakening of love

marquitaEveryday is a new day for me, I’m been through some trails in my life that would break the strongest person. They almost broke me, they crippled me in so many ways. Life has been unkind, cruel and downright nasty to me at times. Life planted seeds in me that made me resentful to ever be alive at times. I never learned how to love, talking about real love. Not the kind of love you see on television. Not the movies version of love, I’m talking about real life love. The kind that will take you though hills and valleys. The kind of love that makes you want to hurt them but you love them to much to do that. The kind of love that is dedicated to the other person no matter what. The bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 that

“4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails.”

Love really is all these things. I thought I knew what love really meant; I thought the bible’s definition was enough to understand love attributes. It gives a picture but my learning style is by example. I learn by seeing and then doing. It wasn’t until my sister and her husband’s situation came to light that I really understood the meaning of love. I won’t go into detail, but I will say that I have learned that love is all the things that the bible mentioned above and so much more. Love is dedication, Love is not always about feelings, love really does suffer long and continues to be kind. Love is planted in the hearts of everyone of us if we allow it to grow. God has given us the capacity to expand beyond our understanding if we are observant of our lives and the lives of others. We have the ability to stretch and not break. This type of stretching builds us into the people we are meant to be. This stretching gives us substance, it gives us wisdom, it give us freedom if we allow ourselves to pay attention to live and love; and to God.My sister has no idea of the lessons she has taught me. I never tell her, but today I am telling the world. I respect this woman for her courage, for her dedication, for her journey. The journey may be different, but the destination is the same as it concerns love. Thank you Marquita for allowing me into you life to witness what true love looks like. I love you more than you know.