I never knew I was walking around with a broken heart, my heart was not only broken it was ripped to shreds. I mean my heart was literary and completely in a ruined condition. There was no life in me at all, I was the walking dead. I thought i was living; but, I was lost in my own mind and in my own ways. I knew the pain intimately, I breathed it daily. I figured it would be a part of my life forever. The pain always seemed to come after a rejection of some sorts. The pain would continued for weeks, months and years. I put the pain in a box and tucked it away only for it to comeback in some other form.
I never knew I was walking around with a ripped and battered heart. My heart had been ripped out of my chest as a child, and never healed. I was walking around with blood dripping from my inner parts, I was becoming weak and lifeless with each passing moment. The footprints of blood were evident to everyone except me. I would say that I’m fine, trying to convince myself and others. I figured that if I believed it everyone else would too. However, I never really believed I was okay, I knew that there was a space that remained empty. I didn’t know what to do about it, so I ignored that space. I attempted to fill it with people, attraction, clothes, school, sex, Facebook anything that would distract from the pain. People would see the pain in my eyes, and I would deny it daily. I never knew why I didn’t want to face or even see that heart that was so fragile and limp. Maybe I believe that if I admitted it I would be preceived as weak. Maybe I enjoyed the pain because it was the only safe place I had ever known. Image that, pain being a safe place, well it was safe in a sense. I knew the pain and the pain knew me, it was my friend, confident, and lover all rolled into one.
Today I’m determined to have life without the bondage and chains of rejection, of misunderstanding of hate. I refuse to live with the heaviness of unforgiveness and malice, I have lived there for so long. I have decided to exchange the joy of the Lord in exchange for my weakness. This will not be an easy journey, nor will it be a light one; but i will be the start of a new adventure called my life. I’m ready to go. ©